Intimacy has been one of the most complicated things I have explored and reexplored. It has changed as I have changed, every level of my senses along with it. Somehow the bond between intimacy and safety was broken. I allowed others to strip any version of my comfortability level of self-intimacy. The words outside me became a wall and judgment about what intimacy should be or look like. Or when others expect something from you when they give you a compliment and as quickly as the compliment was given if it was undesired, harsh disrespect followed. Or the hard truth of nights where meaningless nights arrived to try and fill the external validation, I thought I needed when in fact it stripped me of my worth, my value and true intimacy.
The judgment and miss guided of self-pleasure and constant need from an outsider teach me how and why. It took me completely outside my body. In the rollercoaster of “what do you like” and “do I look ok.”
I was not aware of the unraveling till I was not capable to receive any kindness or love on any level. Any intent of showing intimacy felt like a threat and down the spiral I went into how much this could cost me. The quickness of my mind travels into unsafe moments in my life or doubt of using my words to say “No” or “I am not ok today”. The unbalance between protection and safety. Took the sensual permission from my hips or the embodiment of my curves. it took time to build the safety to allow myself to even partake in flirtiest behavior without the negative thoughts and hours of shame that would creep in because I would believe “I had done too much” The independency vow from those that labeled me “as to much, to bold or to needy”. It took years to give myself permission to shed away. As the pieces will come a lot of doubt would whisper in my ears of unworthiness. The complication to dealing with all of me because I have always believed “I am too much”
The bond between the spiritual and the sensual is forming in new, healthy ways, and fearlessness of desire is on its arrival. It’s the integration of my pieces healing into one. It’s the allowing and affirmation to stay in my body to feel this body to nurture and adornment in this body. I am not longer allowing any thoughts, words, hands, or individuals to strip from my body the pleasure, joy, and intimate vows that I took from myself. To move and take space at my pace and time. Most important on my term. “Sensuality and spirituality are two sides of the same coin” I take me as I am.