Self Betray Was The Lesson

Self-Betray was the lesson

I sit with my intrusive thoughts and the emotion of betrayal. Right there by the dark corner of a learning curve and repeating familiar lessons that feel like betrayal. The kind that breaks you so much- to the point you doubt your prayers. Time to time self-betrayal is the consequence of un-communicating expectations is what common sense feels like to me.

In a garden where reciprocity was not even a frequency for understanding, I expect the fruit of loyalty. I set the energetic agreement of many contracts and cords of struggle and loneliness. My unconscious renewal of the familiar agreement of waiting, and being underappreciated, did a disservice to the relationship and planted the seed of Unworthiness.

Sitting there I get to taste my own betrayal and anger. Sitting there I lick my wounds to remind myself I choose them. I choose the chaos and loneliness to serve a contract of struggles. I betray myself when I prayed for clarity but I doubt my intuition, or blame my anxiety. I have gotten to a point where I don’t need to yell- the reflection is my mirror. I release the shadow, the identity, I vowed to myself over and over. I call the power across the Divine; I cross from the Source, to see me with Compassion to lead me into harmony, and serenity to find ease.
There I realized I recognized myself -the unhealthy and draining version of me. I let the cord bring me back in developing emotion and energy. I am the one that lack self-grace and self-compassion. I am the one receding to scarcity and lack in the full capacity. I am feeding on the lack of Law of allowing x but blocking myself from fruit from my divine essence.

As mind-blowing as this sounds, I catalyzed my own downward spiral into the vibration of anxiety to push myself forward. Just like that I catalyst my own betrayal by allowing others to abuse my kindness. Here I was sitting with my own narrative of what Loyalty looks like full of self-expectation based on my beliefs. My beliefs forget that we are not in the same capacity of integrity and loyalty. So, what feels like walking backward for the one person or situation they will detour with the fleet of carelessness. So, I sit with my rage and redirect to my own behavior to my own understanding - my own savory. Lean into my chaotic feminine energy to find clarity in the middle of self-chaos. The self-inflected chaos and pain served by my own unrealistic expectation of reciprocity. I lick my wound so I can remember the taste of the lesson and the path to rebirthing. I release any version of me that is no longer serving my higher self-unconditional love in this existence and forward.